


Hell On Wheels

by SammyJayBartholomew



Category: Brütal Legend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-10-02 13:04:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17264750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SammyJayBartholomew/pseuds/SammyJayBartholomew
Summary: Eddie learns the hard way that letting Fire Baron drive the Druid Plow was a terrible idea.





	Hell On Wheels

**Author's Note:**

> My part of the Brütal Legend Secret Santa for [MasterOfTheTear](https://archiveofourown.org/users/masterofthetear)

'You've seen how Baron drives, like an absolute madman. Are you sure you want him behind the wheel of a car? Especially the Druid Plow? You know you’re pretty much begging for an accident by letting him drive your car' Ophelia questioned Eddie and his choice of letting Baron sit behind the wheel of a car, especially since he looked a bit too excited about it. Nothing good can ever come out of an overly excited Fire Baron, something either explodes, gets set on fire or someone gets hurt on accident.

Eddie shrugged off Ophelia’s concern, ‘what’s the worst that could happen?’, he wasn’t terribly worried about Baron’s driving since he did hitch a ride on the back of Baron’s bike several times by now, and each time he walked away just fine. Although he did reek of smoke and gasoline, but those were minor side effects of hanging out with any Fire Baron really, ‘not the first time I’m taking the back seat while Baron’s driving. And it certainly won’t be the last time either’.

Ophelia wanted to tell Eddie how much of an idiot he was, but she knew that that wouldn’t really get him to change his mind. He’s like a toddler, telling him that it hurts isn’t going to stop him from sticking his hand in a fire, he has to experience it himself, ‘alright, it’s your funeral then’ she said and raised her hands in a gesture of surrender and took a step back.

‘I’m not planning on dying any time soon, there’s still things I need to do. Lots of cool shit I haven’t done yet and want to do before I kick the bucket’ Eddie said with a laugh and walked towards his car, where Baron was already waiting for him. He tried to play it cool and like he wasn’t all that excited, but that grin on his face told Ophelia that Eddie’s in for one hell of a ride once they get through the basics of how a car works.

‘I hope you’re going to take your own advice and hang on tight, because this is going to be one hell of a ride’ Ophelia muttered to herself and let out a low cackle, kind of excited to see just how badly this is going to go for him.

* * *

Eddie was still going through the basics of cars and just how different they are from a bike with Baron, which gave Ophelia enough time to grab a couple of beers and someone to watch the show with, and that someone was Mangus who happened to be within Ophelia’s reach when she was making her way to some higher ground in order to watch the fiasco. The two of them settled down by the Iron Cross statue in the end, which gave them a really good view of the fields all around Bladehenge where Eddie and Baron would be driving soon.

‘How much do you wanna bet Baron’s going to kill Eddie via speed induced heart attack?’ Mangus asked Ophelia with a chuckle as he cracked open a beer.

 Ophelia let out a low laugh and took a swig from her own beer, ‘I’m pretty sure Eddie’s going to ban Baron from getting anywhere near a car if he survives this’, oh how much fun she’s going to have when she get to rub it in Eddie’s face later that letting Baron drive was a horrible idea.

‘I wouldn’t be surprised if Eddie also banned Baron from driving a bike’ Mangus said.

‘Or going anywhere near any vehicle for that matter’ Ophelia added.

* * *

It didn’t take very long for Baron to get the hang of driving a car. They started out at a nice and slow tempo, but once Eddie told Baron that he can speed up. That’s when all hell was unleashed and the screaming began.

Baron got that mad glimmer in his eye Eddie should have recognized as trouble, but he decided to write it off as nothing more than sheer excitement, which was a terrible mistake on his part. Baron practically slammed his foot down on the gas and sent the car roaring though the fields, quickly followed by Eddie’s terrified screaming and Baron’s mad laughter at Eddie’s screaming. Eddie was practically glued to his seat from the speed they were going at, clinging to the sides of it for good measure so he wouldn’t go flying whenever Baron decided to make a sharp turn.

At this point he was silently begging the Gods for Baron to forget about the nitro button he foolishly mentioned during the basics, but luck wasn’t on his side today. Baron remembered that there’s in fact a button that can make this car go even faster and it didn’t take him long to spot it.

‘Oh Gods please no’ Eddie whimpered and reached over in order to slap Baron’s hand away, but Baron was faster and got to the button first and sent the car soaring through the air, and drawing even more panicked screaming out of the unfortunate roadie.

‘THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN A BIKE!’ Baron yelled over the combined sound of Eddie’s screaming and the roaring of the engine.

‘GODS PLEASE DON’T LET ME DIE!’ Eddie screamed in return, which only drew more insane cackles out of the Baron.

* * *

‘I can’t see them anymore’ Mangus said, squinting off into the distance where he last saw the Druid Plow.

‘I can’t see them either, but I can hear Eddie’s shrieking, man he sure is loud’ Ophelia couldn’t keep the amusement out of her voice even if she tried. She told Eddie that this was a horrible idea, but he didn’t listen to her, ‘maybe he’ll listen to me more when I say something’s a bad idea’.

‘You know he won’t’ Mangus wasn’t all too bothered by Eddie refusing to listen to anyone with common sense, at least it provided a bit of entertainment every once in a while. Even if it did sometimes end with a trip to Thunderhorn and an earful from Kill Master about how they’re all idiots.

Ophelia sat back down and picked up another beer, ‘he just never learns, does he?’ before popping off the cap.

* * *

‘Oh Gods please don’t ever let this madman drive a car ever again’ Eddie whimpered while clinging to a boulder just outside of Bladehenge. The hellish ride ended not too long ago with Baron stopping just mere inches from the boulder Eddie was currently clinging to for dear life.

‘I’m assuming people already told you it was a bad idea?’ Lita’s usually dry tone was replaced with one of pure amusement, she had a hard time keeping up her usually stoic expression and a smile was tugging at the corner of her lips. Eventually she had to cover her mouth with her hand and let out a near silent chuckle at Eddie’s hellish experience.

Baron waved them both off, ‘I’m not that bad of a driver, you guys are just really fucking lame’ he muttered and crossed his arms over his chest, slightly offended that Eddie didn’t enjoy the joyride one bit. Baron sure as hell had a blast and he’d go for it again if Eddie didn’t forbade him from going anywhere near a car.

‘If Eddie’s calling you a madman behind the wheel, then it’s most probably true, seeing as he can also be a reckless driver at times’ between Eddie looking terrified out of his mind and Baron’s sulking, Lita couldn’t keep a straight face anymore. She let a laugh escape her as she covered her mouth yet again, not really wanting to laugh at Eddie’s misfortune too loudly, but she just couldn’t help it.

‘Help me’ was all Eddie had to say, ‘Gods help me and save my soul’

‘I’m pretty sure you deafened the Gods with your screaming’ was Lita’s reply to Eddie’s plea.

‘Do they know sign language?’ Eddie tilted his head just enough to look up at Lita.

Lita slowly shook her head, ‘afraid not’.


End file.
